Another Year of Living in Borrowed Time
I have forever been this person who cannot completely fathom how a year just goes by. One morning I am waking up to a new year and then another morning I am waking up to the last day of the year.
Another year has almost come to an end
I have forever been this person who cannot completely fathom how a year just goes by. One morning I am waking up to a new year and then another morning I am waking up to the last day of the year.
Another year of being fearful of my own potential
Another year of being brave
Another year of my stories penned down in my journals
Another year of sharing some of it with the world.
Today I visited the doctor’s office to do a check up. The note in my hand said 26 years, 8 months, 11 days. And I thought “Oh I am about to turn 27 soon”. So many years spent planning and organizing and working to get to where I am.
After the check up, they told me I was absolutely fine. I realized I am a healthy person. All my bodily functions are working just fine. But sometimes I feel like I am a healthy person stuck in a sick mind.
I know I have evolved. What I dreamt of so long ago is now a reality. I wanted to be independent. When I was younger I used to think when I grew up, I’d buy this and I’d buy that. Now nothing seems far-fetched. It's all achievable if I work hard enough
But I can’t help but wonder all those years spent worrying of what was to become of me. All those years thinking what’s next. And eventually down the line, I realized I was just living it. And the years just go by anyway.
I feel weird sometimes that one fine day I wake up and it's a new year, another day it’s my birthday and then another one is when my father died and then another one when my sister visits me. On and on it goes. For the Year, it's just “Oh my calendar just shows dates'' but for Me, it's another big day waiting to happen. Its all just a combination of happy days and sad days and exciting days and just days.
“When I grow up, I’ll be a doctor”, “when I grow up, I’ll be a teacher”, “when I grow up I’ll be a lawyer” - I used to write down in so many of my journals. I couldn’t possibly know what I would become when I grew up so I thought maybe I should have options. But I grew up. And the only thing that remained constant for me was writing. I wrote poems. I wrote songs. I wrote journals and now it’s my job. I never thought I’d become a writer but in the years to come this was what was going to happen to me.
Another year is almost about to end.
I don’t know what’s for me next. I don’t think I even want to make any plans. All I want to do is so many things. All my journals begin with a whole list of new year resolutions that I never complete. It's always only partially completed. I suppose I expect too much of myself. We put so much pressure on ourselves. But I think it's time for me to remove some of it. I don’t think I want to plan the coming year. I don’t want to make any resolutions. I just want to live it as I should have.
I read somewhere that we’ve borrowed time from death. And if I am living on borrowed time I might as well live it without thinking too much. Death gives us so much perspective. I think most people don’t wanna talk about it or they just shut it down. Even I did. But at some point, life demanded me to face it and I thought that we were just nothing. Just a tiny spec in the universe. We will only live a couple of years until our time is over. And then I will not be here to receive calls, all my earthly possessions will remain on Earth and the only way I will live on is through people’s memories.
I want to be remembered. And as these years go by I keep on learning what life is all about. I don’t think I can ever quite explain it. It only comes in bits and pieces and I write it down. I think it's been a long time since I tried explaining what life is all about.
The years are going to go by anyway. But are you really in the moment? Are you feeling what life demands you to feel? Do you stop to look at butterflies? Or stop to show some kindness?
We will only be remembered through the people we leave behind. So smile, do acts of kindness, be nice. And just like that, another year will end.
Love
Monalisa